3/09/01 - I finally got to see Hannibal tonight. All I have to say is that some people in Hollywood need to be shot...the ending of the book, which is quite well written and superbly dramatic, was demolished. If you plan on reading it, I won't spoil it for you, just know that the book is better than the movie, which should be a rule of thumb for most anyone who reads anyways.
I cleaned out my room a hell of a lot more this week, too. You'd be surprised how memories pile up if left unattended. Personally, I have all of my personal correspondance in a briefcase, and that had to be retired recently. The bulk of letters contained in it was surprising, it was actually starting to bulge out the sides of the case itself. I went and purchased a larger one this past week, and went through the cumbersome duty of sorting through all my old love letters and such. It's amazing how much lies beneath the surface of the mind, just out of sight. I read through some letters that I had forgotten even responding to, let alone receiving. I opened some with one eye, as though that was going to help me avoid whatever remnants of memory lay inside. That alone made me feel childish after I registered what I was doing. Why open them, if I knew that it would bring some degree of heartache over words not meaning anything anymore, and promises not kept?
Closure. That's the word. It's long overdue for me, I know. I've long since moved on with my life, since my past. The problem is, there was no landmark to base that on. I had no point to which I could say, "That's it. It's done." Well, now I have one. I still have those letters, and plan on keeping them forever. Some people burn things like that, and I never was able to figure that out. If you have no past, how can you learn from it? I have learned, and seeing what has happened makes the future which lays in front of me a bit less unexpected. I won't say I have seen the worst, but I know I have seen the mistreatment that can be laid on a heart. I digress. Closure.
I have actually started to clean my room as if I was leaving. This past month I have hauled a pile of trash bags out my door, one after another. It seems that just when I think my room is completely wiped of useless things, I find another area I have yet to cleanse. I think I'm setting up for when I leave here. I still have over three months, why would I do that? I took some time to think about it one day as I dusted an area of counter I hadn't seen in over a year, and came up with one conlusion: I want to be able to walk away. It's like some part of my brain has been triggered, and suddenly I must start severing ties. All the knick-knacks I have in my room are gone now...some I knew where they were from, and some were lost in that big attic in my mind. Just put somewhere, and no reason for putting them there in the first place can be found. Those things are all gone.
I'll be glad when my time come up here, and I honestly think people will be surprised how easily I will slide out the door. Nothing holding me back. No ties with anyone I don't care to talk to, no sorting to go through. If I could put half the things I want to take with me into my truck right now, I would. That would just be really silly, though, but it does not make it any less appealing. Just to be able to dart out of here. I'm sure when the day comes (the 25th of June), all I will have to do is come home and change, and my truck will be loaded to the hilt with all my possesions. Gone. Like that. All loose ends tied up, all bills paid. No returns. Blah blah blah. I'm sure you're tired by now of hearing me talk about my self-interest. I'm tired of typing it, that's how I know. I'm off to bed, the sun is about to creep up over the horizon.
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