4/07/01 - It's another exciting Friday evening here in my little portion of the world. Winding down, I should say. I went out to dinner with Wikki and mary, and then we went to catch Blow. That, I have to say, is an outstanding movie. I'll try not to ruin it, but there are a few things I must say: I love tragedies. That was the best one, by far, I have seen in a long time. Absolutely outstanding film. I got a new electric razor, too. Broke the head of my other one (I'm so smooth). Exciting life I lead, huh?
Well, I think it hit me that I'll be leaving soon. I was on my way to go eat, and I got some odd feeling in my stomach. It wasn't like a sinking thing, or even a tightening of the muscles, but rather one of loss. Sure, you hear me complain all the time, if you know me at all. Don't expect me to even contemplate staying here, the bothersome far outweighs the good times. Still, that smaller slice of the pie is what got me. I mean really. If you stay in a place so long, you can't help but become attached to some little part of it, even if they aren't a permanent part of the landscape. It's just that your mind will automatically associate certain memories with certain places. Whether the object of recollection is going to be there now or not doesn't matter, it's the fact it happened there.
Well, despite the rumors, I am human and have emotions. Sadly, there are some things I will miss. Take going down to Wikki's room. It's a seemingly trivial thing, but it's here. The rooms are too small, the neighbors are all uptight, and the "landlady" (term used to not confuse you non-military types) is worthy of a sock full of nickels upside the head. That's not the point, though. I go down to Wikki's for the company. I go down there to hang out and waste time, to sit in what other people would call "eerie silence," and am content. I won't be able to go to Wikki's when I leave. Hell, I should amend that: before I leave, he's gone before me. Again, not the point. It's the memory of being here for it. Or going to Denny's with mary and making fun of Frankie Mundo. If you've never gone with me, you wouldn't know or care who he is, but it's fun for me. Denny's will probably be here after I'm gone, but I won't ever be back to go to it, and probably wouldn't if I did happen back to here. That and mary is leaving about a month after I do. Still, though, I'll miss that, and that little act of sitting there bullshitting and drinking coffee, constantly asking for more sugar and cream will be etched into my memories of here. Here. Not home, not wherever I may catch up with her in the future, but here. It's the little things that pile up with me, I love having moments.
Yeah, but I realized that, despite all the hurdles and troubles this place has brought, I'll miss this place. No, not Rapid City, not Ellsworth, not even South Dakota, but here. Right here, and in this moment. Shit, call me sentimental, I'll buy off on it. It's true. I rather be called that than heartless for leaving and not taking some little bit of memory with me. Yeah, but that moment of realization kind of snuck up on me, sitting in Wikki's car. It was like it had been sitting in the backseat, and just decided at the moment we drove under the overpass to get into me. It's odd. I'm at, what....79 days now. Only so many left. Then I will have to leave the memories I've accrued here. I'll always take them with me, but I mean physically leave them. Just an odd feeling. I came to another set of realizations about my situation, too, that I didn't particularly like. That I'd be starting over. Wait, hang on....
Starting over in terms of time with friends. It took me so long to get to know the very few I'm close to now. I don't want to let go, despite the fact I'll have to. I mean I'm bad with people when I first meet them, I'll be the first to admit. I'm too brash, tend to rub people the wrong way, have a strong personality, whatever you want to label it. In person, I tend to put people off. It's not like I don't have Mike or Megan back home to talk to, they know I'll confide in them as I always have, but.....I dunno. Face time, I guess you could say, is missing. I like that personal aspect, getting to meet someone, be able to look at them when I talk. I'll be back to the reset clock: 00:00:00. All for the better, I know. It's just a bit menacing. Only having two people I can call to talk to, I mean sit next to or across from and talk to.
Don't think our hero will let his fears get the best of him, though. He is able to recognize the difference between missing a place and missing a memory. The odds are too well stacked in my favor to not leave here. I'd hope every person I know would beat my ass if I even had it cross my mind that I wouldn't. There's horizons that I need to cross, not only want to. It's just that I don't want to lose sight of where I've been when I do finally crest that hill. I wish I could sit here on top, and simply savor the view I've got. I'm on the last uphill right now, only a little bit further to go.
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